Renewing a Heart.

Ever felt broken? If you would of asked me that a few years ago I might of just said "Nope!" with a huge grin on my face. The story is a lot different these days. In the past two months, my heart has felt like it has been crushed, beaten up, and ripped in half. I could not understand what was happening. Nothing felt right, especially my relationship with the Lord.  All because I forgot the most important thing, God's plans are SO much better than mine.
As I was struggling these past months with the thought that maybe I wasn't saved, or maybe God didn't "choose" me to be saved, I felt like my world was crashing down around me. Before I could just say to myself, "Amanda, you can do this because the Lord is with you!" I had no doubts that he was back then. But then somewhere along the line, a little lie crept into my heart. It slowly grew into a huge stone in the middle of my path. It said to me, "You're not worth it, you are not going to make it." (Talk about a bummer!) And for some odd reason I believed it. I wrestled and wrestled with this thought for many weeks, and every time I felt like I had gotten over it, there it was again, flailing its ugly arms for attention.

But the Lord came through.

First through my Mom, who I spent many nights pouring out my troubles and questions onto, by giving her the patience  and words to say to me. Also, for loving me like Christ loves me, No matter what.
Second through the verse John 3:16 "For God so LOVED world that he gave his one and only son that WHOEVER believes in him shall not parish but have everlasting life." Funny how this little verse that I thought was the most generic verse ever was one of the only ones I could cling to. Through this verse I know that the Lord loves the world (Even though we are a broken and messed up place indeed!) and whoever, not just some or part, but WHOEVER believes in him shall not parish but have ever lasting life.
Third, the thought that no matter what I do, I will NEVER deserve the love that the Lord has given me. NEVER! for some reason this thought was a comfort, and all I wanted to do after realizing this was love everybody else!

Although I have discovered these things and have been blessed by these, I still struggle with the ideas that once plagued my mind, and so I ask you to remember that the Lord really does want you! He loves you! And all it takes is you believing in him, and your forgiven. But don't take my word for it, go discover it for yourself!

God is renewing my heart, and I hope you are open to him working on yours too!

And so, I leave you with the lyric's of barlowgirls song "I Need You to Love Me"

"I Need You To Love Me"

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

God Bless
Amanda

God moment!!!!!

So, I just had a God moment. I was feeling lost and unsure of what I believed in. I was crying out to God to please reveal himself to me. While tears were flowing down my face...I was trying to be still to see if I could hear him speak.....but I couldn't breathe....I felt like I was suffocating....but at the same time...my heart was beating like a fright train....I was still begging God to show himself to me when these lyrics came on to the radio...

"I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) there is healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin)
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you."

Wow!!! Lol... some people might find this a coincidence...

But.... I am sure it was the Lord speaking to me....

So I challenge you guys to open up your heart....

And let God speak to you!

Have a God blessed day!! 

He has risen!! :) :) :) :) 

Song lyrics "Broken" by Lifehouse 

Yeah God!! :)

Whoo hoo!!! All done with fundraising for this week! God surely blessed our efforts this week! Thanks to all my friends who helped with raising money! We did good you guys! The best news is that we might be able to directly send the money to people in Japan! yeah! What a God thing! The 36 hours with no sleep and massive headache I had this morning were so worth it....I really want to try to do another fundraiser here soon....but right now, its time to rest :) All you guys should think of ways you can help Japan too! Even if its just praying, it will go a long way! try it out, God will defiantly help you! (Hehe there are SO many exclamation points in this post!<--) ;)

This is a boring one........ZZZzzzZZZzzzz....

Super excited about going to Cali for spring break! I can't wait to see all those colleges!! Now, thinking about college kind of makes me nervous. The thought of being on my own, with out my parents, in some place I'm not familiar with, is scary! But hey, I know God will be guiding my every step :p Ballet was super fun as always! I finally, FINALLY, have the routine memorized!!!! Whoo hoo! its only been like... 2 months since I started learning it! lol So I decided I would love to be a makeup guru on youtube, but I can't really find a good reason to...besides the fact that I love make-up...hmm...I at least want to start a Vlog. One time, I even followed my self around with a camera. I even filmed myself in the college parking lot (Course, I made sure no one was watching when I did it) But my question is, who on earth would listen to my blabber about my life? hehe I know I wouldn't do that if it was someone else.....So I am still trying to come up with some interesting trait I could focus on if I did start one.......hehe thats about all....Night!

Whoo hoo Coffey!!

Just saw Coffey Anderson ya'll! hehe He was awesome!! If you guys haven't heard any of his stuff, you missing out! Look him up on youtube!! One of these days I'll be onstage too for something....probably NOT singing...but hey...you never know! I'm realizing more and more each day how much I love my God! He does AMAZING things! So tomorrow I'm gonna get out there and serve him!!!

Can't think of a title for this one...Hmm....Midterms? Ballet? heck, "My day today!" ha! that can be its title!

Had a very good day today! Whoo hoo!! Midterms are over!!! And to make it even better, My ballet teacher is starting up a "invitation only" ballet class next year, and I am GOING to make it in! I mean, no doubts about it!!! It just means I need to work my but off for the next few months until the next dancing season starts! I love ballet, and I wish I would of gotten a start sooner, but oh well, I'm doing it now!! God really provided for me a way to get my workout in, and have fun!!! So anyways, my midterm test was something of a learning experience.. I leave ballet in a huge rush, half walking-half dashing to my car, which just happened to be parked ALL the way down the street, hoping that I could get to class on time. I hop into my car and speed (Well....not actually :p) all the way to the college, managing to collapse into my spot right before my teacher came in. As she tells us about our assignments, and shows us which essay in our book we will be summarizing, I think to myself like a "oh so adult-like" college student, "Oh! I should turn my phone off so that I can focus on this test!" So off goes my phone and on goes the brain. I'm almost halfway through what I think is a pretty good summary, when I start to notice that one by one, all my other classmates start to finish and leave. Now, because of my competitive nature, I instantly think, "Well my paper is going to be SO much better! I'm working twice as hard on it, thats the only reason I'm still sitting here!" Pretty sure that was not the case, but finally, when there was only four of us left, I finished. It was forty-five minutes after the normal time I get out of class, but I was DONE! I call my mom to let her know I was done, little knowing that my family had been trying to reach me, worried that I had died, or something worse those 45 minutes. So even though I was attempting to be a "smart" student and not have my phone on, I still ended worrying my family in the process. What am I getting at? My purpose of the day of course! (You know, these are more things I've learned throughout the day, but whatever...lol) Let my parents know when I'm going to be home late! hehe And I guess my actual "purpose" Is trusting God to give me strength for the things that scare me, such as midterm tests ;) So that about sums up my thoughts for the night!
Love yah all!
P.S. God does too!

Yo! Pay attention!!

I really need to start paying more attention to things. Like when I'm driving, or when I'm doing school work, and especially during class, so I know when my assignments are due. Only one of the papers I was freaking out about was due today. So I spent my whole weekend worrying out about useless things. Haha Of course it all could have been avoided if I would of just listened when my teacher was talking about when are stuff was due....I seem to have a problem with that, Not paying much attention I mean. But I just cant help the fact that it is so much more fun to go off into dream world where I'm already a world renowned translator, a world traveler who knows like 32 different languages, a mom, and a pretty dang good artist. Of course, my teachers up at the college are not like my mom, I can't just call them over and ask for help if i forgot to pay attention when they were teaching. Haha can you imagine that? "Yo teacher! yah sorry I totally spaced just then, I was thinking about visiting Paris, So could you like repeat everything you just said?" Yah......it doesn't work like that. So as a result I'm going to have to make sure that I stop spacing so much, which brings me to my purpose for the day, PAYING ATTENTION!!  I have to make sure I don't visit lala land for a few weeks....At least until midterms are far far behind me...

Oh! Now I'm awake! But now I'm fretting about the end.....

I think it's always good when something goes wrong in a church service. Mostly because people start to fall asleep when the service follows the same pattern every week. Something like when the minister messes up, or a mic has feed-back, or like today for example, the guy who was praying for communion tripped over the mic stand and sent it plummeting for a guitar. Hahahaha....well....I thought it was funny.........>.< The result? Awakened people and a broken guitar string. What I'm trying to say is, people are so caught up in making sure everything about a church service is perfect, when in reality it is so much easier to relate to someone who seems human, not just some other person who's speaking on stage. I have actually felt the whole mood of a room change for the better when something unexpected happens. It's like we suddenly come back to reality and realise "Oh! I should be paying attention!" This is just my two cents, take it or leave it. Another thing I have noticed? Reading through the book of Revelations can sometimes scare the pants off even the toughest person. Like that one chapter when all its talking about is all the terrible things that are going to happen to the world when it starts to end. The reason I brought this up is because we just finished are study on that book in my youth group. I feel though that people, (Myself definitely included) get so caught up in whether we will still be around when all the bad things happen, or if God will take us away beforehand. I would love to think that the latter is the truth, but only God fully knows. The best thing I can do is just tell myself "Heck you're on the winning team anyways, why waste your time worrying about it?" Easier said then done right?? Haha well my purpose for the day is to realise that God is fully in control of everything, and he will never abandon me. All you guys remember that too! Love ya!

1/6th down 5/6ths to go!

I am so done with this essay thing!! Haha too bad my teachers wont like that excuse...But thankfully I did get some work done today! I really don't want to think anymore about Michelangelo, and the fact that he finished the Sistine chapel ceiling in 4 years, or the fact that he was originally a sculptor NOT a painter. And I defiantly don't want to think about the other two essays I need to work on before Tuesday....So I'm just not going to anymore tonight. Hmm.....maybe I'll go watch a drama...that's sounds like more fun :p Well guess I'm off to Korea! haha Oh yes! Purpose for the day, Trust that God will watch over my paper writing! Just have to keep believing that...Though I do feel a little like I'm stranded on some deserted island with no food.....Ooo..I'm kinda hungry...

Essays Essays Essays!!! OH my!!

 Here I am, listening to korean music, feeling a bit like what I think a college student feels like during college exams. With three papers due by this monday, and no motivation to do anything, I'm in a bit of a rut. Haha on a happier note, I finally get to write about Korean dramas!! LOL I'm contrasting the differances between them and American shows...A bit geeky you say? Maybe...but hey, it's better then talking about the similarities between eating and sleeping. No joke, my teacher actully said we could write about that...What's the same about those? Huh? Well its something humans do....Thats about all I can think of. hehe.... Ok...Purpose for the day, Get done with school work!! I really dont have time to do much else! haha just got to remember, Philippians 4:13 " I can do everything through him who gives me strength."!