Sunday, December 18, 2011

Renewing a Heart.

Ever felt broken? If you would of asked me that a few years ago I might of just said "Nope!" with a huge grin on my face. The story is a lot different these days. In the past two months, my heart has felt like it has been crushed, beaten up, and ripped in half. I could not understand what was happening. Nothing felt right, especially my relationship with the Lord.  All because I forgot the most important thing, God's plans are SO much better than mine.
As I was struggling these past months with the thought that maybe I wasn't saved, or maybe God didn't "choose" me to be saved, I felt like my world was crashing down around me. Before I could just say to myself, "Amanda, you can do this because the Lord is with you!" I had no doubts that he was back then. But then somewhere along the line, a little lie crept into my heart. It slowly grew into a huge stone in the middle of my path. It said to me, "You're not worth it, you are not going to make it." (Talk about a bummer!) And for some odd reason I believed it. I wrestled and wrestled with this thought for many weeks, and every time I felt like I had gotten over it, there it was again, flailing its ugly arms for attention.

But the Lord came through.

First through my Mom, who I spent many nights pouring out my troubles and questions onto, by giving her the patience  and words to say to me. Also, for loving me like Christ loves me, No matter what.
Second through the verse John 3:16 "For God so LOVED world that he gave his one and only son that WHOEVER believes in him shall not parish but have everlasting life." Funny how this little verse that I thought was the most generic verse ever was one of the only ones I could cling to. Through this verse I know that the Lord loves the world (Even though we are a broken and messed up place indeed!) and whoever, not just some or part, but WHOEVER believes in him shall not parish but have ever lasting life.
Third, the thought that no matter what I do, I will NEVER deserve the love that the Lord has given me. NEVER! for some reason this thought was a comfort, and all I wanted to do after realizing this was love everybody else!

Although I have discovered these things and have been blessed by these, I still struggle with the ideas that once plagued my mind, and so I ask you to remember that the Lord really does want you! He loves you! And all it takes is you believing in him, and your forgiven. But don't take my word for it, go discover it for yourself!

God is renewing my heart, and I hope you are open to him working on yours too!

And so, I leave you with the lyric's of barlowgirls song "I Need You to Love Me"

"I Need You To Love Me"

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

God Bless

1 comment:

  1. Love you honey, and I'm sorry you have been struggling, but so glad that you are coming back up out of the valley...even if it feels like it's taking a long time. *HUGS*